You don’t have to change to be loved
This is a topic I feel two ways about.
There’s a lot of cultural pressure around dating that says you should fix yourself first. Lose the weight. Go to therapy (read Esther Perel's ideas about the absurdity of discovering oneself before dating - she claims we learn about ourself 'through' not "outside" of our relationships), get the haircut, etc. Become the version of yourself that’s finally worth being chosen. And honestly, I disagree with most of it.
I am of the belief that there is somebody for everyone. I believe people should be able to show up authentically and find someone who appreciates them as they are.
And there’s a risk in trying to appeal to others online: If you go into dating performing a version of yourself, you have shared with others someone who doesn’t quite exist. That tends to not end well and is not a good way to start a friendship or relationship. Authenticity always wins.
Why I still made changes
And yet.
There can be something very positive about using a return to dating as a moment for personal reinvention and reset.
About a year into dating again, I realized I didn’t feel great about myself physically. I wanted my photos to be honest and current — but I also wanted to feel confident in them. I’d look at my current pictures and not be happy about putting them out there (I was online dating and needed honest and current pics of myself).
So I made changes for myself. Not because I thought I had to. Because I wanted to.
I hired a nutritionist coach, updated my wardrobe, grew my hair a bit longer, and generally got more excited and put more energy into myself.
Using a return to dating as an opportunity to regain confidence an a sense of feeling sexy again felt transformative and empowering.
Dating as a bigger reset
It wasn’t really about attracting better men. It was more about feeling better in my own life.
Dating became part of a broader reset — a new chapter as a single person. The dating itself ended up being only a part of it.
I started feeling way more confident and energized, and as a result showed up differently as a single person and on dates. I became more relaxed, more open, and more excited about meeting new people. Other people picked up on it. But more importantly, it changed my entire dating experience.
Dating became a catalyst not the outcome.