Not everyone is your match
There is a limiting belief I hear from many singles which goes something like this: older men are mainly attracted to and looking to date younger women. What’s also trending now is that many older women are dating younger men. Dating preferences run in every direction.
The important thing to remember is this: not everybody we meet is going to be looking for us.
For example, I’m only five feet tall. Some taller men may gravitate toward someone closer to their own height. I’m not going to take that personally any more than taking someone preferring blondes personally (i was a brunette, now i'm gray/blond).
There are countless reasons people may not choose us — and why waste our energy on those people. The issue becomes when we focus negatively on a few people, globalize our experience of them (e.g. all men like blond women etc) and stay in a perpetual mode of frustration and negativity; A negative belief of "..,why bother trying because I will never meet anyone".
For us daters, I think superficial qualities — height, income, hair colour, occupation — are not great ways to measure whether someone is datable. Some of these qualities end up kicking out potentially wonderful people who we may not have initially considered. You remember the time you were not attracted to someone initially, and then once you got to know them, your eyes literally saw them in a different light?
Also the best flirters, most charming singles, the ones who have our heart and libido going, are not necessarily suitable matches for long term compatibility: these qualities only tells us this person is attractive, charming, and sexy. Those are great qualities, but don't measure whether there is potential relationship compatibility.
This is no small matter to remember. The important qualities that will make us ultimately happy with a potential mate, are not the ones that we tend to focus on when we meet a stranger, or swipe on a dating site, and the apps are set up to focus on the most superficial qualities which intensifies this paradox.
Our dating choices and preferences are helpfully refocused when we search with what actually matters for a long-term relationship: eg. mutual interests, honesty, kindness, respect, someone who is grounded, considerate, and others aligned with our values on dating, relationships, family, and life, etc.
If someone is not your match or doesn't choose you, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It says something about them - not you. Dating means moving beyond ego and staying patient in the process.
Are there really no good people left?
Two or three difficult dates in a row, and suddenly the conclusion becomes “all men are like this” or “all women are like that" or we start to personalize bad behavior or rejections and decide there is something wrong with us. These are the traps.
When you’re dating, especially online, you are meeting complete strangers. Not everyone is going to be honest, emotionally mature, reliable, or aligned with your values. Some of those people could hurt you if you get too involved too quickly and let them into your life before knowing them over time, and in many different circumstances. That’s the reality of dating — whether you’re in your twenties or your sixties. Also dating apps do not help, they are impersonal and somewhat anonymous. They can bring out the worst in some people. They are designed to make money - and this means perpetual use - like a slot machine, where people are hoping the next swipe will be a big "win" (there perfect match - someone that may never really exist). Many people get the high from the matching and "hits" and the chatting and flirting, but not really so much on actually meeting and connecting with others.
You want to stay clear of matches that seem to be more interesting in chatter and swiping than making a plan. Unless you enjoy this engagement, it can lead to burn out and a sense of frustration. Some users even feel depressed when using apps because of being thrown off of these traps. Using apps wisely is necessary if you want to preserve your mental health and energy and enjoyment of meeting others.
An important mindset it to recognize the above challenges, and to not over globalize when you meet a few flaky daters. Not everyone is going to be worth another date, or a continued conversation or text. I have known the most beautiful, interesting, and smart women share the exact same experiences in dating of getting ghosted, breadcrumbed, and treated poorly as a single. There are some unhealthy people out in the world, many on dating sites. We cannot personalize these experiences. They are not about us - they are about them. Feel badly and wounded that you were mistreated, but then move on. Moving on while still staying open. A bit of a thick skin and solid mindset keeps you resilient in the process. This is the art of dating.
Think about a new friend, or a new colleague at work. You don’t trust them and integrate them into your life and your family after meeting a few times. You don't start telling everyone how wonderful and honest and such a good person this new friend is (who you've only met once or twice). Real friendships take months — sometimes years — to build. They form slowly, with openness, but not by projecting our hopes before we’ve actually learned who they really are, and their potential alignment with our values, and capacities. It also doesn't mean glossing over troubling behaviours we do see. We don't have to hate them, we just may not invest our energy into people who are not right for us; even if we feel lonely or impatient to have a new friend.
Dating is the same process, however, our yearning to be loved often rushes things at an emotionally unreliable pace and clouds even the most measured and good-judger of character.
What that pace can lead to is this:
People potentially getting stuck trying to make the wrong people work because they have invested their hope and time too quickly, or because a pattern of unhealthy chasing of unavailable people is a familiar old wound from our past.
They ignore red flags. They over-explain confusing behaviour. They keep giving chances to someone who is inconsistent, unreliable, or emotionally unavailable.
Instead of moving on, they stay attached to potential.
There are many kind, emotionally healthy, honest men and women out there. I’ve met dozens of them. I’m in a partnership with one of them now.
The trick is learning to move away — more quickly — from people who show us they aren’t a good fit, or who aren’t choosing us, or who seemed great at first but then they changed.
Stay open. Trust people until they give you a reason not to. But also pay attention to consistency, honesty, and effort.
Mathew Hussey, dating advice expert, and influencer describes building a castle with someone: you both need to want to work towards the building of the castle-
“Don’t invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest based on how much they like you.” – @MatthewHussey
However...
Not every date needs to be a relationship
Some of the men I met through dating were not romantic matches for me at all — but I genuinely enjoyed meeting them.
One of those men is now a good friend of mine. I would not want to date him, but I really enjoy him as a friend.
I’ve also made business connections through dates, discovered new restaurants in the city, and have been introduced to new music and ideas I never would have found otherwise.
Dating should be organic. It should allow people to slowly unfold and reveal who they are over time. Something opens up when you stop trying to force a verdict. Staying open to whatever unfolds that may bring joy into my life is an important openness in this process, but also being clear who makes sense to invest in as someone to be considering for more intimacy and serious or exclusive dating.
Treating Dating Like A Job Interview
There’s a lot of advice online telling people to approach dating like a job interview — to be highly efficient, ask all the right questions immediately, gather data quickly, and avoid “wasting time.” I've heard of some singles having a questionnaire they send out to their dates before they meet.
And honestly? What a horrible way to meet another human being.
It treats the person across from you as a series of boxes to tick; sort of like shopping for a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.
Not a checklist
Nothing is wasted if you’re meeting new people, getting out into the world, and actually enjoying yourself.
Dating shouldn’t feel like a performance review or a checklist exercise.
When people become obsessed with outcome, they stop enjoying the process. It starts to feel like shopping for a human being — instead of actually building connection.
And the person on the other end of those dates can feel it. They feel evaluated, not met.
— Ellen