A note from Ellen — on the emotional landscape of modern dating, and how I learned to enjoy it.
Dating over 40 comes with a very different emotional landscape than dating in our twenties and thirties.
By this stage of life, many of us are leading, more complicated lives. We may have children, demanding careers, ex-partners, aging parents, more complex financial responsibilities, or personal challenges we never anticipated when we were younger.
Life is complicated now. And because of that, dating can feel heavier too.
For women especially, there’s also the fear that the dating pool has changed — that attractive or emotionally available partners are harder to find, or that men are primarily interested in younger women. Whether those fears are true or not, they are very real perceptions, and they shape what it feels like to even consider dating again.
And then there’s the reality of returning to dating after a long relationship or marriage has ended. We bring more baggage and the world has changed. Dating has changed. Expectations have changed.
For many people, especially those entering online dating for the first time, it can feel intimidating, exposing, unsafe, unnatural, and a huge emotional rollercoaster.
Why I created Unscripted Dating
Before creating Unscripted Dating, I spent more than 35 years counselling and coaching people through life transitions, mental health challenges, and career changes. Supporting people through uncertainty, personal reinvention, and personal growth has always been central to my work.
But it wasn’t until I became single myself — after being in a long-term relationship for over 20 years — that I truly understood the emotional reality of returning to dating, in a new, modern world, firsthand.
And surprisingly, despite my initial trepidation, I discovered that I actually really enjoyed dating as a mature adult.
Not immediately. There was a big learning curve. But I noticed fairly quickly that I was having a very different experience from many of my friends who were in the same boat as me.
People around me often described dating as dreadful. They felt rejected, discouraged, exhausted, and some, even, emotionally hurt by some of the interactions they encountered "out there" in the dating world.
Many would engage in dates carrying enormous expectations. They would build up fantasies around a person before even meeting them. Often, the moment the reality didn’t perfectly align with their imagined version, there would be an emotional “clunk” — disappointment, awkwardness, frustration, or a sense of rejection. The hopeless feeling of "there is no one out there, and I will never meet anyone...".
Some would become attached to someone too soon, before taking time to slowly and organically get to actually know them, and then would feel crushed when it didn’t work our or the person that imagined to be their "perfect" forever person and partner, turned out to be — and any of the qualities they had projected onto them.
I realized I wasn’t experiencing dating in the same way because I was approaching it completely differently than many of of friends...,
Curiosity changes everything
The biggest shift for me was this:
I stopped treating dating like a search for a partner and started treating it as an experience. Like joining pickle ball or a book club, dating was a hobby that provided a potential opportunity to meet others. Maybe I would meet someone; but in the meantime I was going to enjoy the ride!!
A date became exactly what it actually was: meeting a stranger. A real human being, with their own history, insecurities, patterns, and complexities and we were meeting to enjoy a drink, a walk, or a bite to eat. That's it.
Even after years with my current partner, I am still learning new things about him. That’s the reality of human connection. It takes time to get to really know someone and build real intimacy. Expecting certainty or emotional clarity from a single date, or even a few months worth, simply doesn’t make sense.
Once I grounded myself in that truth, dating became lighter, more interesting, and far less emotionally draining. Each date was much less charged, and I never felt like I was wasting my time if I wasn't meeting a potential life partner.
Instead of focusing on outcome, I focused on experiences. I became more curious. More present. More open.
I approached dates the same way you might approach solo travel, taking an improv class, or starting a conversation with someone new in a different city. There’s vulnerability involved. There’s risk. But there’s also spontaneity, and discovery, and those experiences, for me anyway, led to growth, insight, and confidence.
In the end, my mindset changed my experience of the dating process.
More soon.
— Ellen